Recently I have been involved in a study that is attempting to prove that BPD is a genetic condition. In this study I have participated in very thorough testing.
I am so lucky to have been able to be a big part of a study that is *this* close to proving the genetic link to BPD. It’s a remarkable study and after being a part of it and seeing the results, not only mine but of other anonymous participants in the study, I am quite convinced that there is in fact a genetic link to BPD. I was shown random anonymous results laid atop my results. Those with BPD all fell within the same marks along the graphs. The fact that no matter how much therapy these people had did nothing to change these particular markers in those with diagnosed BPD is a clear sign (to me and the people conducting the study) that the brain of a person with BPD is actually, and simply, formed differently than those without BPD. Just as those on the Autism Spectrum have diffrent neurology than people who are neurotypical.
How then was I so easily misdiagnosed with the conditions of Asperger’s you might be asking yourself. Well as mentioned, AS/ADHD and BPD/GAD are all very similar to one and other and often co-morbid to one and other as well. It was as easy to get diagnosed with AS as it is to get diagnosed with AS instead of BPD – and vice versa. It was also easy to convince myself that I had Asperger’s (like Bean).
For instance, I am hyper organized and have high anxiety when things are out of place, I have trouble with changes in routine and am not terribly affectionate or even empathetic – all traits I thought were a sure sign that I too had AS. But, as you can see from the (outdated) diagram below – are just as easily BPD traits.
Both AS and BPD could be argued as conditions that both cause emotional instability, however people with Autism are only ‘out of control’ of their emotional reactions when their environment proves difficult – as in disorder, private items touched, lack of personal space, overwhelming noise/actions…
People with BPD have intense reactions to what other people may consider trivial because the reaction is stemming from inner (and constant) mistrust, anxiety, fear and anger that runs much deeper than whatever may have just happened in that moment to cause them to explode. These fears and anxiety are constant – running through my brain every second of every day. They quickly turn to anger to protect myself from any vulnerabilty.
These thoughts can quickly bring me to a feeling of being overwhelmed and suffocating. I begin to unravel fast, as anxiety takes hold so too the anger comes up like a shield, protecting me. Anger is easier for me than saying “I’m hurt, I feel overwhelmed, forgotten, burnt out, please help”.
I’m always living on the edge between love and hate for myself and for others.
Any little thing can trigger someone who already has their gun cocked and ready to go.