BPD, what it is – and what it isn’t.

 

Recently I have been involved in a study that is attempting to prove that BPD is a genetic condition. In this study I have participated in very thorough testing.

I am so lucky to have been able to be a big part of a study that is *this* close to proving the genetic link to BPD. It’s a remarkable study and after being a part of it and seeing the results, not only mine but of other anonymous participants in the study, I am quite convinced that there is in fact a genetic link to BPD. I was shown random anonymous results laid atop my results. Those with BPD all fell within the same marks along the graphs. The fact that no matter how much therapy these people had did nothing to change these particular markers in those with diagnosed BPD is a clear sign (to me and the people conducting the study) that the brain of a person with BPD is actually, and simply, formed differently than those without BPD. Just as those on the Autism Spectrum have diffrent  neurology than people who are neurotypical. 

How then was I so easily misdiagnosed with the conditions of Asperger’s you might be asking yourself. Well as mentioned, AS/ADHD and BPD/GAD are all very similar to one and other and often co-morbid to one and other as well. It was as easy to get diagnosed with AS as it is to get diagnosed with AS instead of BPD – and vice versa. It was also easy to convince myself that I had Asperger’s (like Bean). 

For instance, I am hyper organized and have high anxiety when things are out of place, I have trouble with changes in routine and am not terribly affectionate or even empathetic – all traits I thought were a sure sign that I too had AS. But, as you can see from the (outdated) diagram below – are just as easily BPD traits.

Both AS and BPD could be argued as conditions that both cause emotional instability, however people with Autism are only ‘out of control’ of their emotional reactions when their environment proves difficult – as in disorder, private items touched, lack of personal space, overwhelming noise/actions…
People with BPD have intense reactions to what other people may consider trivial because the reaction is stemming from inner (and constant) mistrust, anxiety, fear and anger that runs much deeper than whatever may have just happened in that moment to cause them to explode. These fears and anxiety are constant – running through my brain every second of every day. They quickly turn to anger to protect myself from any vulnerabilty. 

http://www.bpddemystified.com/home/about-this-website/

These thoughts can quickly bring me to a feeling of being overwhelmed and suffocating. I begin to unravel fast, as anxiety takes hold so too the anger comes up like a shield, protecting me. Anger is easier for me than saying “I’m hurt, I feel overwhelmed, forgotten, burnt out, please help”. 

I’m always living on the edge between love and hate for myself and for others.

 

Any little thing can trigger someone who already has their gun cocked and ready to go. 

I have been in the DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) program for 6 months now. Once a week I attend group session for two hours and have a one hour session with my individual therapist. In DBT you are taught skills to manage when you are in “emotion mind” (a place that does not include logical thinking…as you can imagine). You learn to cope better, to apply skills to your life that will (hopefully) keep your vulnerabilty factor from overflowing, and even better – at a low. Luckily for me, with my drive to offer my children and my husband a more fulfilling life, a more loving me, I’m happy to say it is working. 
 
And I as I scratch at the un erasable self inflicted burn scars on my arms that itch whenever I’m anxious, whenever I’m tense, a real hope for the future, a healthy and happy future, is born within me. 
 
For the first time I can see myself as someone a little less unravelled.
Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under ADHD, Asperger's, Borderline Personality Disorder, diagnosed, General Anxiety Disorder, Mental illness, Uncategorized

One response to “BPD, what it is – and what it isn’t.

  1. The good part is, you sure are organized! (evil giggle). But seriously, I am very happy for you that you got into this program and are getting so much from it.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s